How do I start the process for starting counselling/psychotherapy? | Monique Mercier

How do I start the process for starting counselling/psychotherapy?

on October 23, 2017

When I teach my self-compassion groups, a lot of m

When I teach my self-compassion groups, a lot of my participants find that once they start “trying” to be more self-compassionate, that they often feel like a “self-compassion failure.”

This is a NORMAL part of the self-compassion journey: seeing how we relate to ourselves, and it can be tough!

For me, my inner critic used to use my (inconsistent) self-compassion meditation practice as a means to criticize me:

📌 “I don’t meditate enough”.
📌 “I’m a self-compassion fraud”.
📌 “How can I teach this stuff and not have a regular practice?”

It took me a little while (years) to see what was going on here. My inner critic had co-opted a “good” thing like self-compassion and meditation and tried to make me perfect at it, and when I wasn’t, it made me feel like a failure.

The goal of self-compassion isn’t to strive for some idea of “perfection” outside of ourselves. It’s not to meditate more or add one more thing that we feel that we HAVE to do.

Self-compassion doesn’t cause us stress. It provides us with the relief of allowing ourselves to be exactly who we are and where we are at in our lives. It’s a supportive and kind attitude toward ourselves no matter what is happening.

We often think that we will accept ourselves when we finally change (future). Self-compassion is about accepting ourselves right now (present). Interestingly, accepting ourselves in the present is the thing that often leads to the changes we seek.

Does your self-compassion practice feel like a genuine relief? Or cause you more stress?

#kindfulself #selfcompassion #mindfulselfcompassion #mindfulness #kindness #innercritic #radicalacceptance #acceptance #acceptyourself

I remember one session I had with a high-achieving

I remember one session I had with a high-achieving client who was being hard on herself for feeling like she was falling short at work. She was plagued with feelings of worthlessness and defeat.

...Until I asked her to write out a job description of the tasks she was doing at work. What we found was, she was actually doing FOUR jobs, in her one position.

Perfectionism sets us up with UNREALISTICALLY high expectations for ourselves and then beats us up when we struggle. It does this to MOTIVATE us to push harder.

It’s not a bad strategy in the short-term. But living a whole life like this can be exhausting and actually kill our motivation because we never get to take in the beauty of life and what IS right in our lives. It’s always about what’s next and achieving “perfection” (which by the way does not exist).

This is the invisible “heavy stuff” we ALL carry as humans. The inside stuff that no one can see.

We’ve all got some version of this, so be gentle with yourselves.

Give yourself some credit for ALL the things you have been doing and are doing well. These internal burdens can be a lot for one human being to bear alone ❤️✨

🎨: @bigfightinwords

#kindfulself #compassion #selfcompassion #selfcompassionjourney #perfectionism #gentleness #psychology #humanity #humanityquotes

The pandemic has been a series of showers, thunder

The pandemic has been a series of showers, thunder storms, interspersed with some sweet little rainbows ✨🌈

What are your rainbows? ❤️

#kindfulself #selfcompassion #compassion #mindfulselfcompassion #mindfulness #kindnessmatters #unconditionallove #rainbows #rainonme #silverlinings

Being human is M-E-S-S-Y. We often have shame ab

Being human is M-E-S-S-Y.

We often have shame about having certain (often vulnerable) feelings which motivates us try to control our feelings even more.

Very often in my self-compassion groups, this is how we start our practice - with ideas of how our practice “should” be and we are very hard on ourselves about feeling like we are failing at self-compassion.

Interestingly, the idea of “progress” in our self compassion journey is “dropping the idea of progress”.

This means giving ourselves permission to be our full human selves, with needs, desires, longings, jealousy, grief, pain, shame, insecurities, outrage, and so on. (Note: I didn’t say acting on these, I said allowing ourselves to experience them)

Sounds fun, right?! 😉

This is the concept of “Radical Acceptance” and it involves a few things:

🤲🏻 Remembering that all humans have difficult emotional experiences. They are universal. You aren’t alone.

🤲🏾 Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like your experience. It just means that you accept that it is part of this human experience you are having.

🤲🏿 Rather than trying to throw yourself away to be a better version of yourself, you allow your humanity to be OK. Just like everyone else. No better, no worse.

Acceptance can be a real RADICAL act in our culture that profits from telling us that we are broken and need to be fixed.

But what if experiencing brokenness is part of the human experience? What if our brokenness allows our hearts to crack open and connect with one another? And then we no longer have to run away from, hide, or fight with ourselves.
💔 ...✨🤝✨... 💔

#kindfulself #kindness #radicalacceptance #selfcompassion #mindfulness #mindfulselfcompassion #compassion #selfacceptance #vulnerability #vulnerabilityisstrength #couragequotes #perfectionism #lifeismessy

Anger has a bad reputation in our culture. Balanci

Anger has a bad reputation in our culture. Balancing our wild animalistic instincts to indulge our anger versus suppressing our anger to get along in civilized culture is a balancing act to say the least ⚖️

When we understand the function of our emotions it helps us to be less threatened by them when they arise. It also helps us to turn towards those emotions with curiosity.

If you struggle with switching between becoming possessed by your anger or running from/pushing away your anger, it may be time to ask yourself what is my anger communicating to me?

When we turn the volume down on big anger, usually at the root of it, there is an unmet need or core value that we feel out of alignment with.

Unmet needs can be things like:
✨the need to feel seen
✨the need to feel heard
✨the need to feel accepted
✨the need to belong

Core values can be things like:
✨respect
✨accountability
✨trust
✨integrity
✨peace

When we know and understand ourselves as having various personal and relational needs, we can better work with this information that our highly intelligent emotional systems are communicating to us.

Next time you are angry, ask yourself what unmet need or core value is being revealed to me? Share your experiences below! 💌✨

#kindfulself #selfcompassion #mindfulselfcompassion #psychology #boundaries #healthyboundaries #healthyanger #anger #angermanagement #angerquotes #corevalues #unmetneeds #relationshipsmatter

Life can be tough. ❤️ The way we treat oursel

Life can be tough. ❤️

The way we treat ourselves when life is tough, can make it tougher. ❤️

Self-kindness and compassion are skills and practices - that take practice! ❤️

When we bring compassion and kindness to ourselves, we will likely encounter the places that we aren’t kind to ourselves.❤️

This is why we call this process a “journey” - a journey of exploring our inner worlds- the causes and conditions of our triggers and struggles. ❤️

Each “sticky” point is an opportunity to stop and support ourselves with the same tenderness we would offer to a good friend or animal in pain. ❤️

This takes COURAGE and WISDOM. The courage to turn toward —and the wisdom to know when to pull back. ❤️

#kindfulself #kindness #kindnessmatters #compassion #selfcompassion #selfcompassionjourney #selfcompassionquotes #mindfulselfcompassion #psychology #innerstrength #resilience #communitysupport #toughtimesdontlast #lifejourney #innerjourney

The only thing slower than molasses in January, wa

The only thing slower than molasses in January, was January.

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How’s everyone doing? ❤️

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#kindfulself #covidtime #molassesinjanuary #january2021 #lockdown2021 #pandemic #mentalhealth #passingthetime #unprecedentedtimes

Often the well worn grooves of self-criticism run

Often the well worn grooves of self-criticism run deep and are well-rehearsed.

The negativity bias has us paying attention to cues of danger or threat (mostly nowadays, our threats to belonging and our self-concept) over cues of safety.

And unfortunately what we pay attention to grows! (what a set up that is 🙄)

For example, on your social media the algorithm sees what you pay attention to and then it feeds you back more of the same, reinforcing whatever you are spending your energy on. Our minds do a similar thing. Negative thoughts and emotions narrow our focus on perceived flaws and problems, feeding back into more negative feelings and thoughts.

Unfortunately, cultivating positive mind states is not our default mode. Especially during a pandemic.

First of all, can we bring some tenderness to this dilemma? And at the same time put in some intentional effort to be mindful of the good things?

Examples:

✔️ Make a list of the amazing things your body DOES for you

🤍 Make a list of things in your house that you are so grateful for

✔️ Write out all the people in your life who have helped you cultivate a skill or talent or gift that you possess that you value

🤍 Make a list of things that make you feel alive

✔️ List all of the good things about living in your country - what advantages are you afforded without even having to ask?

🤍 Write out inspiring people and the qualities that they possess that you’d like to cultivate

These are just some of many ways that we can intentionally pay attention to the many things that are still right with life and the world. Yes there is chaos and a pandemic. And yes we can also live with gratitude, connection, and meaning in our hearts 🤍

#kindfulself #kindness #kindnessmatters #gratitude #grateful #compassion #compassionfocusedtherapy #selfcompassion #mindfulness #mindfulselfcompassion #acceptance #payattention #psychology